Thorfinn and the Putrid Potion Read online

  CLUUUUUUUCKKKK-CLUCK-

  CLUCK-CLUCK-CLUCK!

  There came a great clatter from the marketplace, where Grut had started a revolution, overturning the cauldrons of boiling turnips and the long tables, scattering mountains of vegetables in the mud. “Fellow Vikings! BURN YOUR TURNIPS! Follow me! I will lead you to MEAT! ROAST CHICKEN! RIB OF BEEF! THOSE LITTLE JUICY COCKTAIL SAUSAGES THE SIZE OF YOUR PINKIES!”

  “MEEEAT!” the villagers roared, stamping up and down on the turnips, then charging off after him.

  Erik appeared, the blank look gone from his face, with Olaf alongside him. “Sorry, Chief! He hypnotised me!”

  “Forget about it, my friend. I’m just glad to be back!” bellowed Harald, slapping Erik so hard across the shoulders that his eye nearly popped out.

  Suddenly, Harald gave a loud HICCUP!

  All eyes turned to Velda, as a kind, pleasant smile spread over her face. Not-Velda was back. “Hmm… Now, where did I put my Mr Fluffikins?” she said in a gentle voice. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a VERY grumpy-looking bunny.

  “Oh dear,” said Not-Velda as she took in the bunny’s appearance. On the journey home, Mr Fluffikins appeared to have undergone a transformation of his own, complete with tiny horned helmet and warpaint. The bunny bared his teeth.

  “Oh!” Piebald sucked his teeth. “I meant to tell you, it’s been seven days. At sunset, Toerag’s Twist will become permanent. You’d better decide which Velda you want — the polite one, or the HOMICIDAL MANIAC one.”

  They all looked towards the sun, already half-disappeared below the horizon.

  “Not-Velda doesn’t hit me,” moaned Grimm the Grim. “Or call me a pigdog.”

  “Not-Velda doesn’t start fights in empty rooms,” sighed Harek, who was slowly getting to his feet and wiping turnip gloop from his face.

  “And Not-Velda doesn’t spit outs my fine cookin,” chipped in Gertrude the Grotty.

  Harald turned to his son. “Thorfinn, what do you think?”

  Thorfinn smiled as the sunlight began to disappear. It took him no time at all to make up his mind. “Velda is my friend, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.”

  He took a deep gulp of air, and then…

  HICCUP!

  Velda leant down, picked up her axe and swung it over her shoulder. “Phew! Thank Odin for that!” She gazed down at her warrior rabbit and grinned. “Come on, I’ll call you Fluff-Spitter!” And off they both swaggered.

  “Now,” said Harald, lifting Thorfinn onto one shoulder as Percy hopped onto the other. “What do I have to do to get some food around here. I haven’t eaten in days!”

  “Perhaps a nice scone and some crab and lettuce sandwiches, dear Dad?” replied Thorfinn.

  Harald gave a booming laugh. “Sounds delicious!”

  Together, Oswald and Piebald watched as the sun finally set over Indgar. “Dear me!” whined Oswald. “I’m glad all that excitement is over. What now?”

  Piebald grinned mischievously. “How about a nice cup of tea?”

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  DAVID MACPHAIL left home at eighteen to travel the world and have adventures. After working as a chicken wrangler, a ghost-tour guide and a waiter on a tropical island, he now has the sensible job of writing about yetis and Vikings. At home in Perthshire, Scotland, he exists on a diet of cream buns and zombie movies.

  RICHARD MORGAN was born and raised by goblins on the Yorkshire moors. After running away to New Zealand to play with yachts and paint backgrounds for Disney TV he returned to the UK to write and illustrate children’s books. He now lives in Cambridge, England, and has a family of goblins of his own.

  Follow these simple steps to create your very own putrid potion!

  1. What’s your last name? That’s the first part of your potion name. EASY!

  2. What day of the month were you born? Find out which word makes up the second part of your potion name.

  1 – Snit 17 – Twist

  2 – Jinx 18 – Pang

  3 – Blight 19 – Boogie

  4 – Bother 20 – Widdle

  5 – Trouble 21 – Burden

  6 – Blast 22 – Pump

  7 – Twinge 23 – Ruin

  8 – Woe 24 – Plague

  9 – Piddle 25 – Wrinkle

  10 – Flip 26 – Curse

  11 – Wink 27 – Poop

  12 – Bane 28 – Spin

  13 – Pulp 29 – Snub

  14 – Snipe 30 – Stitch

  15 – Sorrow 31 – Bilge

  16 – Thingummy

  3. Which month were you born? That gives you the effect of your potion.

  January: Weeping warts

  February: Galloping eyebrows

  March: Purple wee

  April: Transform into a moose

  May: Musical farts

  June: MOO like a cow

  July: Hair like worms

  August: Uncontrollable dancing

  September: Flaming burps

  October: Everything you eat tastes of smelly socks

  November: Tremendously itchy bottom

  December: Speak in gobbledygook

  FOR EXAMPLE: David MacPhail was born on the 22nd of May so his potion is:

  MACPHAIL’S PUMP,

  WHICH GIVES YOU MUSICAL FARTS!

  Mr Fluffikins has hopped off! Can you help Not-Velda avoid Piebald’s potions and find her little bunny-wunny-kins?

  Want to predict the future just like Ragwich?

  Try his 100 % totally accurate* fortune telling method…

  1. Think of a question you want to know the answer to, e.g. “Will it be turnip fries for tea?”

  2. Throw a dice…

  3. How many dots are on the side facing upwards?

  (No cheating!)

  4. Match it to the key below…

  5. WOO-GAH! The gods have spoken – you have your answer!

  * Answers not actually 100 % totally accurate…

  COPYRIGHT

  Kelpies is an imprint of Floris Books

  First published in 2020 by Floris Books

  This eBook edition published 2020

  Text © 2020 David MacPhail. Illustrations © 2020 Floris Books David MacPhail and Richard Morgan have asserted their rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act 1988 to be identified as the Author and Illustrator of this Work

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without the prior permission of Floris Books, Edinburgh

  www.florisbooks.co.uk

  The publisher acknowledges subsidy from Creative Scotland towards the publication of this volume

  British Library CIP data available

  ISBN 978–178250–650–8